A friend today wrote that her mother described her as handsome when she was growing up. This made it difficult for her to ever see herself as pretty and, in fact, she became skeptical of those who described her with that word, wondering if they didn’t perhaps have an ulterior motive. I am guessing that was an inadvertent mistake on her mother’s part, not realizing what impact “handsome” would have on a girl. My father made a similar faux pas with me though it was unintentional. Still, it’s amazing the power our internalized concept of beauty has on young psyches. Here’s my story.
When I was around fourteen and hypersensitive about my body as well as my attractiveness to boys, I went in and asked my father, “Daddy, do you think I’m fat?”
Now to offer a bit of background, I developed early – breasts by age 10 – and I suspect at this point my body was in that awkward “in-between” stage, which is a long way of saying I might have been a bit chubby right then.
My dad’s response: “You aren’t too fat or too skinny, honey. You’re just right.”
This would seem to be just the right response for a loving father to give his teenage daughter, but here’s the rub. When you are a teenage girl the only answer acceptable is, “No, you are absolutely NOT fat.”
I then asked again, trying to elicit the answer above. “But, Daddy, are you sure I’m not fat?”
My father, born in 1902 and already in his mid-sixties by this point, looked at me and said, “Honey, you are as strong and healthy as a girl can be. I’m sure the boys all think you’re just great because the truth is that every man wants a woman who can pull a plow in hard times.”
Bless my dad’s heart. I know he thought this was a high compliment and that he had done a great job of reassuring me of my worth out there on the dating market. Of course, his words translated in my head to a completely different message: “Yes, you are fat and besides that your worth with men is how helpful you can be to them when they need you.”
My poor Papa. He would be furious if he read those words I just wrote. “That is not what I meant!” I can hear his voice clear as can be from the other side.
The truth is that a man does want a woman who can pull a plow in hard times, if not literally, then certainly metaphorically. A real man wants a strong woman who will be a helpmate and an equal. Unfortunately, I was a little too literal and a lot too insecure to understand the wisdom in his words. I grew up in the Twiggy era of the ‘60’s and unfortunately, my strong body was housed in a frame that was barely 4’ll” tall. I was no Twiggy by any stretch of the imagination.
The point of this anecdote is to say that parents often have forgotten the vulnerability of being a teenager and, though they are well-meaning, they bungle the positive messages they intend to send. As my friend can attest, telling a teenage girl she is handsome is not what she wants or needs to hear. Nor is assuring your fourteen-year-old that she is strong as a mule and just as handy. All I wanted to hear was, “Of course, you’re not fat. You’re just right.” I suspect all that my friend wanted to hear was, “You are so pretty.”
It could be argued that parents aren’t perfect and they can’t be expected to be. This is absolutely true. I am the parent of three daughters myself and I can think of all sorts of mistakes I’ve made over the years. But we can also recognize that girls are especially sensitive as teenagers, particularly because unattainable “beauty” is being splashed all over newsstands, television and movies, and we can take what we’ve learned growing up and reshape it to give a more positive message.
From as early as I can remember I made a point of telling my daughters, “You are beautiful, smart and kind.”
Is it a wonder that I have three adult daughters who fit this description to a T? I think not.
My dad loved me with all of his heart and I knew that. I also knew that to him I was the cutest, sweetest and smartest daughter on the planet. That is why I bear no grudge against him – his unconditional love was present from my conception. Still, his words hit me hard. So silly now in retrospect, but not as a teenager trying so hard to find my place in a world where I didn’t fit the criteria set for beauty.
Of course, if we broadened that criterion to include short, stout girls; tall, skinny girls; broad bottomed girls; girls with freckles, moles, curly hair, etc. then this would never be a problem. Ah…the answer. How about we simply expand our vision of beauty to include all shapes, sizes and colors so we can ALL feel beautiful?
Amen and amen.
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