I went to visit a friend a few months back and while I was there, she had some visitors drop by. One was a woman in her early 30’s. We all sat for a while chatting and I eventually asked the question whether or not she was married. She said that she and her boyfriend had recently broken up. “Oh,” I said, “I see.” The young woman paused and added, “I’ve been going to a therapist and I’ve decided with her help that I deserve no one less than magnificent.”
My friend, who has been married over 40 years, and I, having made it through 31, looked at each other and laughed.
The young woman smiled and said, “Did I say something that was funny?”
I said, “After that ‘magnificent’ person falls off the pedestal – and he will – you might be lucky if he’s just a decent and kind man.”
My friend added, “And honest. Forget magnificent and go for honest.”
The young woman smiled awkwardly. “Really? Is that all I can hope for?”
I said, “There is nothing small about hoping for decent, kind and honest. That would be a gift.”
I told another friend about the “I deserve nothing less than someone magnificent” statement – another friend who’s been married quite a few years and her comment was, “Spoken by a woman who is destined to be single.”
Amen.
As I watch my daughters surveying the field for potential mates, I would advise them exactly the same way. After the glitter and glam falls away – that takes about six months after you’re married – what you want is a man who is solid to the core. Someone you can trust and who trusts you; who you think is smart and thinks you’re smart, too; a person who will go places with you he doesn’t want to go just because he knows you want to go. Just a good, honest, decent human being.
And, of course, there’s the other side of the coin, as well. Being that good, honest, decent human being in return.
I don’t know if that young woman heard my friend or me. I suspect she did since she had a few follow-up questions, like, “Of all the other qualities, what do you think are the most important?”
I said, “Sense of humor.”
My friend said, “Mutual attraction.”
I agreed. “You need to be able to look at the man/woman and have that surge of love.”
But is beauty in the eye of the beholder? Absolutely. People you love tend to get prettier/handsomer as you know them, not because the aging gods are smiling down, but because you notice all the little special parts of them that make them unique and attractive.
The problem with that search for Mr. Magnificent is that it will be only a little bit of time before he stumbles and lands rear-end up for you to see. And don’t forget you’ll be doing the same, so pick someone who is generous in spirit. You’ll be glad you did as those years creep by…
And now, readers, it’s your turn. What qualities do you think are important for a “real” relationship? I would love to hear. Please add in the comments section.
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